FORBIDDEN - The Asshole Who Saved Earth 21

FORBIDDEN - The Asshole Who Saved Earth 21

by Onyxe Blade

Unloyal: Welcome back, motherfuckers! It's your favorite, favorite, favorite superhero. The one and only UNLOYAL! Yes, I'm more popular than your Superman, Batman, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Naruto, and any other motherfucker you can think of.

Untrue: But, Uncle, are you really mo’ pop-lar than Spider-Man?

Unloyal: Of course I am, Untrue! Don't undersell Uncle's popularity, little one.

Untrue: Oh, so why hasn't the author of FORBIDDEN become the next Stephen Queen?

Unloyal: Oh, that's an easy answer, nephew. It's because that dumbass decided to write a book about some angry demon princess and her friends who rescue a Nigerian prince instead of writing about greatness such as myself.

Untrue: I think this is what peopal call "delusional".

Unloyal: Oh, you can say "delusional" correctly, but not "people" or "popular?" Anyways, let's get onto the main story, so readers will get to enjoy visualizing my greatness at work and, if they don't, they can kiss my ass!

Another day in Earth 911, the home universe of orthodox beings with various humans possessing unearthly abilities. Many used them for the good of their world while others used it to cause chaos and serve their own selfish desires. However, there was a woman whose intellect would put all the great minds known throughout history to shame. That woman was Gilda Roseann Braxton, better known by her alias "Queen G". Queen G was the self-titled overseer of this universe as well as the monitor of various other worlds ever since an incident that took place 70 years ago. Queen G has earnestly kept a watchful eye out for any major threats to either her own world or other worlds that would prove beyond devastating if left unchecked. 

Sitting in her laboratory-style office, sipping her coffee with cream no sugar and having already smoked three packs of cigarettes, she gently patted her wavy black pixie cut. She caught a glimpse of a gigantic meteor making its way towards an earth, thankfully not of her world, but a problem nonetheless. Quickly running her high-powered system, she discovered the meteor was going to hit Earth 21. Before she could do more to understand Earth 21's incoming dilemma, Queen G was reminded yet again that she was the mother of four unruly boys and a recently adopted "grandchild". She heard them making a ruckus outside the confines of her workspace. Swiftly changing from her work clothes into her house dress, Queen G made her way to the living room and saw three of her four boys bickering as usual. Meanwhile, in the corner of the living room and unbothered by the chaos, Untrue sat with his headphones on, peacefully watching kids shows on the tablet Unloyal had given (stolen for) him.

Queen G: Cease the bullshit now or else!

Tyrant: Mom! This little nigga right here wants to control the remote. Stop playing with me, Nicholas, before I fuck you up!

Duppy: Try it then, nigga, and let's see what happens... XAVIER!

Outrage: Both you niggas are getting on my fucking nerves! Tryna record my music in my room, but y'all keep making all this damn noise.

Tyrant: Shut up, Alexander, or you can get this work too!

Outrage: Try me, nigga, and see what happens--

Queen G: What the fuck did I just say?

Tyrant: Whatever, man! Have the fucking remote. I'll go back into my room and watch the game on there instead.

Queen G: What was the point of me getting y'all your own televisions in your own bedrooms just for you boys to still be fighting over the television in the living room? I swear, I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to create the four of you. Speaking of which, where's Logan?

Untrue removed his headphones and turned towards Queen G whom he lovingly called "Nana".

Untrue: Royal went world-jumping again. I think he said he wanted to see Asstech.

Queen G: Oh, my little babycakes you mean "Aztec". Knowing that little son of a gun, I know exactly what world he's visited and what he went to do there. Well, he better hurry his ass back here cause he's needed.

Just then, a portal opened in the living room and jumping out of it was none other than Logan, AKA Unloyal, who reeked of another man. Queen G looked irritatingly at her eldest son, who she knew traveled to earth 325, where the Aztecs gained global dominance of that world. Unloyal was attracted to a variety of men, particularly men of the Latin variety. It was obvious that her son went and had sex with one, or possibly many, of the men of that world. So many times she’d told him not to use his powers to jump into worlds he wasn't assigned to visit, but Unloyal has always moved to the beat of his own drum. After all, she made him that way, so he wouldn’t become overly humble and weak like many of the Onyx(es) of other universes. 

Appearing before his family with an annoyed look on his face, Unloyal could already sense that his mother was pissed off with him but, more importantly, she had yet another fucking assignment for him. He wished he had stayed longer on Earth 325, but it was too late now. After eating breakfast and showering, Queen G sent Tyrant, Duppy, and Outrage to handle domestic business within their world. Meanwhile, she prepped both Unloyal and Untrue to handle a dire situation currently taking place in Earth 21.

Queen G: To make a long story short, the citizens of Earth 21 are only a day away from their planet being hit by a catastrophic meteor that will surely end all life on their planet.

Unloyal: Oh, that's unfortunate, but I wanna go see the new Rainbow Bastard movie that’s still in theaters, Mom. I been so busy that I haven't gone to see it and today's the last day it's in theaters.

Queen G: Busy bullshitting and being a pain in my ass! Now shut up and let me finish talking, unless you want to learn how to talk without a jaw.

Unloyal folded his arms in protest and mumbled under his breath.

Untrue: Is this the meteor that killed the dinosaurs?

Queen G: Not quite, Nana's baby, but equally as devastating, which is why I need you to work with Uncle to stop the bad meteor from destroying a planet. Can you do that for Nana?

Untrue: Yes, Nana, Untrue will destroy the bad meteor.

Unloyal: So how exactly do you expect him and me to stop a meteor from destroying a planet?

Queen G: Figure it out! 

Unloyal folded his arms in protest and made a sour face. Queen G glared at Unloyal, letting him know she was not in the mood for one of his bitch fits. Unloyal reluctantly rose from his chair and grabbed Untrue and opened a portal to Earth 21. Arriving at the foreign earth in a blink of an eye, both Unloyal and Untrue saw the meteor making its way to crash into the planet. While Untrue genuinely worried about the safety of the people on this planet, all Unloyal thought about was not being able to see Rainbow Bastard if he failed to stop the meteor from wiping out all life on Earth 21. Scratching his ass while thinking of a plan to stop the meteor, an epiphany occurred in Unloyal's mind, but first he needed to take a good shit. Unloyal grabbed Untrue and found a nearby restroom. Ten minutes later, they returned to their original spot as the two are now... hopefully, ready to deal with the meteor.

Untrue: So what's the plan, Uncle?

Unloyal: The plan is simple: We blow up the meteor, which is why Uncle is going to take a trip to another world real quick to grab something special. Remember, if anyone comes up to you trying to ask you any questions... kill them! The only adult you can trust here is me. I'll be back shortly, so don't you go anywhere, Untrue, or no chicken nuggets tonight.

Untrue: I will stay here and wait for Uncle.

Unloyal teleported to another planet momentarily as Untrue patiently awaited his return. Less than two minutes later, Unloyal reappeared with multiple grenades and C4s in a metal box.

Unloyal: Okay, so here's the plan. Untrue: We are going to teleport just close enough to the meteor, so we don't get hurt. Then I'm going to throw these weapons of destruction at that son-of-a-bitch and you will use your death ray energy beam on them and the explosion should be massive enough to counter the meteor. At least that's what I hope happens. Anyway, once the explosion occurs, you gotta surround us with a protective bubble, otherwise we may become extinct. Are you ready?

Untrue: READY UNCLE!!!

Unloyal grabbed Untrue into his right arm while holding the explosives in his left. Unloyal then teleported Untrue and him scarily close to the massive meteor. They could feel the heat radiating from the massive rock, but were miraculously unaffected. Unloyal tossed Untrue above him thus freeing his hands to toss the explosives towards the meteor. Once the explosives were within a reasonable range, Untrue unleashed a gigantic ruby red energy beam, which struck the explosives and caused a devastating explosion that collided with the meteor. Untrue formed a protective bubble around Unloyal and him in the nick-of-time before the combustion caused them to crash wildly towards the earth's ground. Unloyal quickly gripped onto Untrue and the two teleported back into their home world.

The meteor, although successfully broken into pieces, still crashed into Earth 21 within hours. Fortunately, because it was only one-sixth of its original size, thanks to Unloyal and Untrue's plan, the meteor didn’t wipe out all life on Earth 21. It only damaged various parts of the earth. Lives unfortunately were lost, but not nearly enough to cause the end of civilization. Thanks to an asshole dressed in purple and black and with the grace of a komodo dragon, along with his toddler-sized lovecraftian companion, Earth 21 will not only live to see another day, but will come back from today's devastation. 

Meanwhile, back home, Unloyal, with Untrue beside him, rested in bed as he recovered from the multiple world-jumping and saving a planet from extinction. Untrue, on the other hand, simply desired sleep after aiding Unloyal in saving Earth 21, but that had nothing to do with any exhaustion from using his powers. Queen G was happy that Unloyal succeeded in his task and planed to let him rest despite blowing his chance at seeing Rainbow Bastard in theaters. It's a good thing she already had the movie for him to watch on DVD once he woke from his sleep.